Saturday, December 14, 2013

Reprioritizing

Hey all.  I promised I'd be back and here I am!  I don't normally like to leave the blog completely dead for so long, but sometimes you have to drop everything and reorganize your life a bit.  The semester is winding to a close and I find that this is the best time of year to really think about life.  Christmas is coming, finals are closing in, and I'm slowly depleting my perishable food supply so I can go home.  I'll be back in Cambridge with 2014 fresh in the air, one year to go, and a blank slate.
I've been thinking a lot about priorities, what needs to get done, and what's really important in life.  You see my life ground to a halt about a week ago when a very close professor to me told me she has cancer.  I've been learning French with this woman for two years and grown very close to her.  I'll be honest, I was devastated by the news that something so horrible could happen to such a good person.
I've always been one to think that the universe operated through Karma.  What you do will come back to kick your ass, if not now then maybe in another life.  It didn't make sense to me that this kind, patient, and gentle woman could have something so tragic fall into her lap so suddenly.  It shook what I thought I knew about the world and broke down every safeguard around my heart.  I spent days crying for my professor, then cried because I couldn't believe I was taking it so hard.  It began to consume my down time.
Every day I heard her first words on the topic to me, "Remember that the most important things in your life are your family, your friends and your health".
What the hell was I doing with my life?  My health is slowly going down the toilet as I live a caffeine fueled sleepless existence.  My teeth are being ground to the roots and my stomach lining is slowly wasting away.
I do have the most wonderful friends here though.  I've met the most amazing people in Cambridge and have made truer friends than I ever had back in New York.  
But family.  Oh wow have I've messed that one up.  Yes I'm 20, I'm ok with the fact that I live 5 hours from my parents.  That's fine, natural, part of life, blah blah.  I spent my time with them and it's time to be on my own.  
But what am I doing living 300 miles from Doug, my new "family"?  Three years ago we sat down and made what is still the hardest decision of my life.  I moved to Cambridge to go to MIT, and he moved to Ithaca for Cornell.  We told ourselves that four years is worth the opportunity our educations would bring, we'd be back together soon.  At the time it was smart; we weren't sure if 18 year olds were capable of making life decisions and why sacrifice education for a high school relationship?  Three years later and still not a day goes by where I wonder if I made the right choice.
Where should my priorities be?  Have I brushed aside family for the sake of money?  Of my job?  Was this opportunity worth it?  Should I have stayed in New York?  Should he have moved with me?  I try not to think about it too much, with only a year to go there's not much point to changing it.  Still, I wonder as a 20 year old what I should be doing with my life.  Overall I think I made the right choice.  Maybe my Brass Rat will make life easier in the long run, letting us enjoy our life a little better.
That Rat can sure get heavy though.
Right now I'm just focusing on pushing through finals to get to my month of calm.  Five days until I don't have to worry about Reynold's numbers and radiation.  I can let myself recuperate from the strain I've put myself through.  This place is a disease.  The past months have held mostly exhaustion, stress, and disappointment for me.  It's feeling like every up has two downs and just when I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel something smacks me off my feet.  I know it'll get better, and I'm waiting for my work to pay off.  Maybe 2014 will be my year.
I'm sorry this turned into a long piece, but I've been away for a while and had some things I needed to air.  I promise the next post will be fun, but thank you for reading to the end if you did.  This blog means a lot to me and thinking about fun posts and new ideas for it definitely help me get through weeks like the past few I've had.
I wish you all the best, and good luck on finals!

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